So… My parents are expecting me to choose a career, and i don’t wanna study, because i KNOW i’ll kill myself soon, i just feel it. Even if i don’t, why study? Why spend hours and hours studing just for a job/money? Or “For the pleasure of knowing”? I just don’t have the interest for anything.
And, at the end… I know I’m stupid and i’ll quit in the first year or i’ll just fail.
- To get a job? With this economy, with this world… no, just no.
- To make my life easyer? Yeah? Well… Why do i even want to live? I mean… when i’m gone, i’ll just disappear, stop thinking, existing; if i stay alive, even if my life gets better, what do i win? There will be more pain, it’s inevitable.
I just don’t understand.
You know… Is ironic how much I complain about “how broken I am”, “how much I’m suffering”, but the reality is that, when my mental illnesses let me write and express those things is when I’m better. But when I’m really, REALLY bad, I don’t say a single word.